Attachment and Desire

Recently I have started seeing a phenomenon that I was not aware of before, at least not on this level. When a thought arises it may carry a very subtle tension or flavour with it. There may be a slight urge to get up and do something that my mind suddenly reminds me of. At times this tension is telling me that I prefer or do not prefer to do some things more than others. Even though these reactions are very subtle and resisting them, if I so choose, is no problem, there is no denying the signal. Basically what I am seeing is attachment and desire that is resulting in mind’s inability to fully accept the present.

To enhance my observations and inspired by Owen’s post on another thread, I have started to investigate this phenomenon using binary noting Yes/No (answering the question: is there any attachment present?).

Discussion with Bill on noting Silence and Noise

Are you pre or post path? It is hard for me to relate to your description partly because I did not do binary noting or thought only noting before 4^th path and partly because your account still leaves much room for interpretations.

If you do binary noting Silence/Noise, do you notice gaps in your mind stream? These gaps are short periods of silence and at first they may be very fast if the mind is going full steam. When the body is sufficiently tired for example after a physical exertion or otherwise quiet like in a beautiful natural environment, the mind may be slower and the gaps longer. One can also slow down the mind deliberately by doing certain types of Pranayama breathing exercises. Once your mind is tuned to that silence, it is easier to hear it in the middle of every day life also.

When I do the binary noting, the gaps get longer and longer until thoughts do not necessarily arise at all. There still some basic fluctuation or vibration of the mind present giving rise to proto thoughts and mental images from time to time. The mind stops clinging to the sensory experiences and there is a feeling of great relief as everything is let go of. As the silence lengthens through practice, more mind stuff is dropped away as a result and this may result in a perfect Shikantaza experience.

I think this practice is experienced a bit differently at various stages of one’s development, but I would say that one major result is a feeling of clarity that comes from the quieting of the discursive mind.

I would be interested to hear more about how you experience binary noting practice.

Journalistic Self-enquiry

After doing ten days of almost continuous and intensive binary noting (silence/noise) I have seen some changes in my practice. I am noting subtler level of thoughts nowadays and it is easier to maintain mindfulness during the day. I am also seeing automatic letting go of certain thoughts that used to produce unpleasant sensations in the body. Mind is becoming more transparent.

Then Kenneth introduced to me his Journalistic self-enquiry technique (who, what, when, where, why and how of selfing) and now a new level of silence is unfolding in my life. Whenever I feel like thoughts or sensations of tension are pulling me from experiencing the now, all I need to do is apply one of the pointers to open the awareness and keep me from getting distracted from the blissful silence.

Some examples

• Who am I?
• What do I have at stake?
• When am I? Was I yesterday? Will I be tomorrow?
• Where are my boundaries? Where “I” ends and something else begins?
• Why do I think that these sensations are so important?
• How can I tell that this body is “me”?

Selfing Thoughts

My current practice is helping me to see different kinds of background chatter that are supporting my long held mental fixations. This is what I found:

• Self congratulation thought
• “What others think of me” thought
• Pride thought
• Commenting thought
• Remembering thought
• Nostalgic thought
• Want to attract others’ attention
• Future planning thought
• Anticipation
• Wanting to appear competent
• Arrogant thought
• Self confidence thought
• Wants to show off
• Want others’ acceptance
• Wants to be funny
• Self conscious thought
• Wants to be respected
• Fantasising thought
• Self criticising thought
• Fear of death (in a dream)
• Wanting others’ approval
• Feeling foolish
• Regretting thought
• Feeling of superiority
• Pretending to be skilful
• Wanting to give good impression
• Judging thought
• Wanting to be the centre of the attention (and being afraid of it at the same time)
• Wanting to be admired by others
• Feeling inadequate
• Free association thoughts
• Indignation thought
• Righteousness thought

Lying on the hotel bed doing binary noting. 

“I don’t have to go on creating myself all the time again and again. I can drop it.”

Rising current

Connecting both ends of the sushumna

Restful silence

Sensations flowing steadily

Unstuck mind

The baseline of my practice has moved to a new level thanks to binary noting Silence/Noise. I have learned to see in real time how thoughts are forming even when the conditions are not ideal. Noting the thought as “Noise” instantly returns the mind to silence and being present.

I was doing binary noting in the train. There was unpleasant pressure in the face and throat, like some nasty burrowing animal was moving underneath the skin. It felt like my head was slowly transforming into something ugly and weird. I had a feeling that my face was being pulled into a hideous grimace and I hoped that it was just my imagination.

I could no longer take it. My whole body felt sick and I was on the verge of vomiting. I surrendered to whatever was happening. It felt like the very bedrock of my being was shaking, strange raptures that I have never felt before shook my body.

Then it passed and I had a chance of watching interesting phenomenon for a couple of minutes: every time the mind was being pulled into something interesting that it saw, a proto thought formed and then disappeared immediately. Then again just body sensations and direct perception. I was walking through the crowd at the train station. Continuous stream of body sensations and some mental images flickered by without sticking or creating the usual tidal wave of comments and stories.

Long Flight

I am on a long flight with nothing else to do except binary noting (silence/noise). There is so much energy movement that it feels very uncomfortable in my body. The energy is building up in my legs and there is very unpleasant blockage in my throat. Some raptures when the energy is moving through the body.

 

Quiet/Noise

Using binary noting quiet/noisy has enabled me to see at times in real time how discursive thinking reinforces the “I” construct by referring to it and creating stories associated with it. Whatever the mind is sensing is commented on and compared to this imaginary construct.

I have been feeling really uncomfortable for the last two days: tension, irritability, heaviness, pressure at the throat and above the eyes. Except today in the train there was a feeling of relief as I was engulfed by a powerful bliss wave that made me close my eyes. This one lasted longer that usual: about 20 breaths.

Binary Noting

Yesterday Kenneth taught me binary noting that I put into good use today. He told me that there is a binary switch between two modes of thinking: direct perception and narrative mode. It happens that this narrative mode kicks in every time the mind is not occupied with something, and that is most of the time. The next stage for me is to change this default mode from narrative mode that keeps me from being present in the moment.

When I notice that the mind is spinning a story I note “noise” and when there is just observing the phenomena I note “silence”. With this powerful technique I find that I am zooming closer and closer in on the fine line between these two modes of perception. The mind is clearly seeing the unpleasantness of narrative mode.

Jumpy Attention

40 min sit after asana practice

I observed the mind and paid attention to the quality and direction of the attention. If the attention was directed to me, I would note “yes”. If it was more expansive and directed away from my self, I noted “no”. This self contraction or turning of the attention towards the point from which the sensations were seemingly experienced seems to arise because the mind prefers some sensations over others.

This simple mode of enquire brought energy sensations to the trunk of the body and every now and then energy peaked and I felt some kind of rapture. At times the attention expanded in a way similar to 3^rd gear perspective.

After twenty minutes I felt a shift happen and realised that I was observing the flux of attention on a more subtle level. I saw the attention rapidly switching back and forth between different objects but always briefly returning to the centre of the head.

A Mystery

This one I haven’t been able to figure out: looking at the body there is clearly emotional suffering going on. When I observe the mind states, there is peace, curiosity, letting go…

Yesterday Kenneth showed me how to experience the contracting nature of self in the middle of the head by using the Witness state. Self was felt as unpleasant vibratory sensations behind the eyes with a specific jolt or contraction as the question “Who am I” was asked.

Today I have been noting the self contraction on the cushion and during everyday activities. At first the very action of looking for the contraction made it happen, so it was like a self fulfilling prophecy. Strangely after some time of noting solely “Yes” waves of relief washed over me and made the sense of self expand, which I noted “No”.

By the afternoon mind had settled itself into a continuous expansive state with no contractions.