Dark Retreat, Aftermath and Integration

It has been almost three months since I ended my first dark retreat and I feel I am past the worst turbulence. It is unbelievable how various days and weeks can be when there is too more energy one can handle.

During the worst days I could feel how the currents got stuck at the throat and I felt like shit. It very much affected all communication, I simply could not speak! The words too clumsy to express what I had in my mind got stuck on my throat. I felt tired and unmotivated already in the morning and had to struggle trhough the day. Sometimes it was purely physical and I had to lay down and just breath and relax through the vibration and shivering. Even the coordination of the body movements were negatively affected.

The bodily existence felt so bad, it also made me short tempered, especially around my loved ones, causing collateral damage in my relationship with my wife. The mind was very slow, like inside a thick cloud of fog, unable to solve problems. The sleep was not good and even meditation did not relieve the symptoms when the internal energies were out of control.

Sometimes I might lay awake through the night, just too awake to fall asleep. The next day no tiredness, I am effective and in the zone and the view of awakened awareness is easy. How it got covered yesterday? Even worse, it was so clouded over I did not even care. Deep in the ignorance. My practice was erratic and patchy, I have not bee this unmotivated for many years.

There has been a need for integration after every single retreat I have done, although this time one was a bit extreme. The same methods for practicing simply did not work and I have had to explore for new ways to maintain the view. It might even feel like I am starting from scratch with no clue what to do. But that might just be because the meditation has moved to a new location, found beneath the layers of apparent solidity and confusingly realistic traffic jam of sticky manifestations of the senses.

With the clouds parted, everything is so easy, obvious and clear and it makes me think that the view of awakened awareness has to be periodically lost in order for it to be spontaneous and stand on it’s own.

The access to the view is now evident, simple and straightforward, no intermediate steps required. The limitless body, monolithic and absolute, like the infinite darkness during the retreat. The living, vibrant tapestry of luminosity, like the play of ethereal layers of light manifested by the darkness of the cabin. These two, vastness of the body and the fields light together: an intangible illusion of staying and shifting, in essence inseparable from the nocturnal fantasy worlds emerging behind the closed eyelids. Letting every no-thing happen with no engagement: being stable in the eye of an hurricane, caused by wingstrokes of an butterfly.

Dark Retreat, The Day After

28.11.2020

Yesterday, when I opened the custom made window panels, the dim light seemed lively and vibrating, like something alive. When I went to the dark toilet, the inner lights were visible again. In the dimly light main room, the inner lights and the faint light coming from outside blended together in a vibrant way. Now, the morning after, my eyes are still reluctant to focus on anything. Last night I had to force my eyes to get a pinpointed focus. This morning, light still feels different, as if I could somehow see through this illusory solid reality if I really wanted. This skill is revealed by tiny clues, like the star-like glows around the light sources.

Yesterday I felt shaky and turning my head and all fast movements felt really weird. As if the body was unused to the solidity of the earth and everything. Mind is slow and uninterested in turning to mundane details, like numbers, days and what time is it. It is very awkward to use the mobile phone. My head somehow feels different.

Suddenly I am reminded of the dream I had last night, the last one in the cabin. I only remember bits and pieces of it. In the dream I found ways to help other people using the skills I had learned in my profession.

In any case, this retreat clarified many things for me. Some have to do with the current family situation, which can develop into something complicated. There is a feeling of trust and I think I will have the courage to do the necessary decisions called for. On the other hand I realized more clearly how limited the time is and all things one wants to accomplish have to be done without delay. I also realized the need to intensify my personal practice. During the retreat I expected to keep up more subtle level of awareness, there is a room for improvement. On the other hand, Tummo -practice is currently under-used resource for my own development. I think I am ready to increase the power of my practice without adversely affecting the daily life.

I definitely need to make arrangements for a second practice session in the evening!

Dark Retreat, Day 7, This Is it!

27.11.2020

This is it, this is what I been heading towards the whole time in this retreat! [incomprehensible words], memories from childhood. So many that the mind cannot keep up. Feelings, memories, warm, sweet and healing.  Many events I hadn’t remembered anymore or didn’t recall ever happening.[incomprehensible words], it expands to all directions. Crying, accepting, warm thoughts about my parents, tears and convulsions, all the buildings we lived in when I was a child and of course the smell of summers in Granny’s farm house, all those rented summer cottages, all different but in a way alike. The time my parents were still cooing and hugging, going for a walk together, the games, warm summers, mosquitos filling sky so we had to stay in. The little toy that made a small boy so happy on our way to grandparents’, all the relatives, grandmother, grandfather, uncles, aunts and especially cousins, playing together, working on the fields, always finding ways to avoid the work, the stunning mell of drying hay in July. Feels like a whole lifetime of memories and experiences is packed in those summers in the countryside with all those caring relatives. Together we went swimming, or to buy some candy at the nearest village, carved the juniper branch into a bow, fished in small forest lakes, unbelievable joy and happiness! 

Seeing how my mother and father did their best for me and fully supported me. Me sitting on an luggage carrier of my mother’s bicycle, she pedaling though the snow and darkness, midwinter cold stinging my cheeks despite all the protection. So many different places I was nursed when my parents were working, all of them filled with friends, toys and memories. That little Fiat, accidentally locked and the enormous keyring of a neighbor, a bunch of keys probably for all the cars in the world. And the incomparable taste of bread baked by one of my favorite nurses. Seeing the first home computer at my cousins’ and playing together. After a year or so, daddy buying a new computer for me, the unbelievable joy of possibilities, mother’s paydays and monthly new games. The first six school grades flooding in all at the same time, all those friends, classes and especially the breaks in between, playing at friends’ homes after school. Exploring wider and wider neighborhood. Self-consciousness, insecurity, shame. 

More memories, no chronology. Remembering all the friends around the neighborhood, playing ice hockey, making snow igloos, javelin championships, New Year’s fireworks, the  miniature soldiers, the fear and guilt after a remark by an old lady passing by. Mommy, will there really be a war if I play with my soldiers? How do wars start? The parish club and the leaf stickers, father jogging and me riding my bike down a hill too steep, then falling on my face badly. Joyriding together with dad in summertime, playing my own imaginary games while dad is talking with his friends, visiting the water tower and eating ice cream.

All the people and places of my life, endlessly branching memory lanes with endless flow childhood memories washing over me. And at the centre of it: mom and dad. Unable to write anymore. Thank you so much mom and dad!

[I have no idea for how long this overflow of past mental events continued. It was still going on when I started journaling the events in my notebook. These notes are a mix bag of memories occurred before and during the writing, although a tiny fraction of it. My autobiographical memory has never been my strong side, and a lot of my childhood has been out of reach for me. This occurrence was something completely new for me, opening my very being to various childhood experiences, previously dormant deep in my body-mind.

The flood seemed to focus exclusively on the period of my life between ages 5 – 11 and it is simply incredible how many vivid experiences can fit in such a short timespan. Something definitely softened in me and I became acutely aware how safe and caring my early upbringing really was. I felt deeply loved and profoundly grateful for my mom and dad.]

Some more sitting during the day, easy and open. The lights are at times quite bright and interesting to watch. I can imagine that if I would spend few more days in the darkness, they would develop into something spectacular.

The lights are clearly connected with emotional states.A sudden noise, like knocking. As I was startled, a really bright big circle of light filled my entire field of view, before fading into a red afterglow. It took me a couple of heart beats to realize what it was. Some of the floor boards give in when stepped on and this time the cabinet moved a little bit, causing something to fall in it.

It is about five o’clock in the evening and it must already be dark outside, so I think it is okay to open the shutters. Feels like Christmas, can I open the presents?

Dark Retreat, Day 6, Everything Is Possible

26.11.2020

I have to say, that despite the irritating machine voice, the blind’s clock is unmatched! Otherwise it would be so easy to get lost in time. I can more of less tell the difference of night and day based on the sounds coming from outside, however sometimes they are few and far between and the fainter might be covered over by the sound of wind in the smoke flue.

Last night I slept way over 12 hours, so I guess the sleep debt is not fully paid yet. There were a lot of bright dreams. In the morning it felt like I remembered most of them. At times I observed signs of dream and waking states blending together. When in a dream walking outside with someone else I said ”I can see here surprisingly well!” as if the act of seeing would have astonished me. 

On the other hand, I am no longer surprised at seeing nothing when waking up, although sometimes it feels like the dream had continued for a moment with the eyes open. In one dream I was looking outside thought the window at clouds floating by, only to open my eyes and seeing whitish lights floating by exactly the same way and my mind for a moment confused them to be clouds. Possibly those lights were floating by behind my closed eyelids and became merged into my dream. In another dream I was watching an instrument board with a lot of big flashing green LED-lights, only to wake up and see the flashing continue in space.

The lights are not so strong this morning compared to last evening, but they were still coming and going pretty consistently. They do not change at all even if I close my eyes, also they stay on the same place relative to the field of view when turning the gaze. Usually they are located at the centre of the view, changing constantly. The transformation is continuous, however mostly cyclical, after each cycle they seemingly start at the original position, except slightly varied, therefore slowly evolving all the time. Some lights are large and dim, forming big ’surfaces’ giving rise to impression of being in some kind of space. Others are more local specks in the central part of the view, having different sizes. At times there are a lot of variation in luminosity within the light areas and parts of them can be quite bright. Especially bright lights have so far been rare.

Despite the long and refreshing sleep, the morning did not start very well. It was hard to get up from the bed and the feeling was surprisingly [incomprehensible word]. I did not have the energy to do the normal ashtanga sitting practice, I only did the standing sequence, body felt heavy and stiff. Trains of thought were persistent and went in circles, mostly about relationship issues and even developed to unhealthy direction close to being manic. Things seemed [incomprehensible sentence] normally never happen [incomprehensible sentence. My writing has not stayed on a straight line and I have ended up writing two sentences on top of one another].

Then, when the meditation practice got going, thought were transparent again and lost their importance. I recalled some of the thoughts in the middle of the meditation and they came and went without leaving any trace.

In fact, all kinds of thoughts having to do with my relationship with my wife have been strongly present throughout the whole retreat. It has to do with the fact that these issues were on the foreground before the retreat and it seems like our relationship is developing into a new kind of phase and I have no idea what it will be. The persistent thoughts about the issue expose the fear and attachment. The change is frightening.

This morning, for the first time this bold thought: how much more of this darkness? 

All in all the situation is good and there is a strong motivation to continue.

Very variable day. After the previous entry I ended up thinking how much I am ’accomplishing’ this retreat and how much this is about integration of my view to all experience. Definitely a point can be made for both of them.

Then something happened, I sat for a long time, at least 80 minutes or more with a view that felt in it’s sensitivity, [incomprehensible word] and feeling of all-inclusiveness wonderful. [incomprehensible word] felt for the first time in this darkness that lights and other phenomena are inseparable part of limitlessness, which is my body, which is the non-divided field of awareness. The mind is no longer thinking about how long this darkness will last, but is content with this moment just as it is.

Couple of last sessions have been something special. I have no idea how I could even start to describe it. The view was so unshakeable and all-encompassing. The source of the all compassion in the world was planted in the centre of my being. There was no body mind [this is my best guess for the start of the sentence which is hard to read, two sentences have been written on top of one another] only something very bright and subtle was left, impossible to describe.

Everything is possible and the power to do it exists in oneself. No thing is separate. This power works for the benefit of all beings.

The lights seem to be brighter again. I am laying on the bed, watching how they evolve. I clearly got at least hues of blue, white, red and green. Maybe at times something yellowish, but that was definitely the most unclear of them all. A couple of times when I got quickly up after spending some time laying on my back, I got a flash of very bright white light, filling the field of view, flashing and changing and fading into background glow. Some colors have fine structure apparent, some have a surprising amount of details that could act as seeds for more complicated hallucinations.

Dark Retreat, Day 5, Feeling Low

25.11.2020

Sleeping felt good, around the clock again.

Last evening [before falling asleep] the system had a lot of energy combined with a lot of mind wandering, mainly around the themes of the second lowest energy centre, which is not typical at all. Some of the mental images were very clear and vivid indeed.

In the morning I felt somewhat sluggish, unfresh. I did not feel like doing the practice and I even noticed thoughts about ending the retreat earlier, however they did not carry much weight.

A part of me had been convinced that the dark retreat would be a walk in the park and I would continuously be in good spirits, practice developing in quick and inspiring ways. Quite arrogant of me, I must admit.

Asanas and sitting practice were definitely not on the clear end of the spectrum and there was not much interest for breakfast afterward. I do remember that during the relaxation after the asana practice, some layers I haven’t had an access to were dissolved.

The overall feeling was like being in a musty dark hole, colored by memories, without fresh air and walls toppling on me. During the past days the brooding warmth and the stifling motionless air feels distressing and I desperately want to feel the fresh wind on my face. The toilet and the tiny lobby are unheated and the air feels fresher when I keep the doors open. At times I feel tempted to open the outer door just to be able to breathe the air outside.

Anyway the tired and bleak feelings were something else [incomprehensible sentence] although I admit that I am inclined to ’accomplishing’ retreats. Like yesterday, there is some light for most of the time [incomprehensible part] glows that slowly change [incomprehensible sentence] does not change them, instead they continue like nothing had happened. [Incomprehensible part] most of them are bluish in color or whitish. At times the hues are warm, almost red. Yesterday a light that started growing from below was rusty red.

Sometimes I notice how the mind starts to make something out of randomness very much the same way as in low light conditions something indistinctly seen will be distorted into something else. I can see possibilities for hallucinations in this process and I have observed something of that kind, however I don’t seem to be particularly prone to such phenomena, a point that has been proved several times.

Even when the mind has started interpreting the seen, it has mostly been content in creating abstract spaces out of lights with some dimly discernible surfaces. It does not seem to easily start to produce detailed hallucinations.

Apart from the first night, all the dreams have been lively, full of light and not dark. Apparently the time inside has not been sufficient to affect the process of seeing in dreams. On the other hand, some thought structures seem to have adopted the darkness as a default mode. I have thought of / imagined some social situations outside the retreat only to realize after a while that the sense of touch is not the primary sense and I would also be able to see! As if the existence of the visual sense was forgotten for awhile.

Despite the somber feelings in the morning, when I lay on the bed, the darkness still feels friendly and nurturing. The threshold for ending the retreat is very high for me, so much planning and practicing has been spent, not to mention the expectations. Besides, my pride as a spiritual practitioner would suffer a great deal if I quit, LOL!

After meditation and a wash the mind is more alert, clear and lucid. The glows have also increased, cheering me up. At times it seems to me that their glow would enable me to see in the room. Well, it does not, however it is nice to see some light in the field of view practically continuously.

I have also learned to move around in the cabin quite handily. At times when my mental image of the surroundings match perfectly the sense of touch, there is an illusion of really seeing the corner of the kitchen table before the hand finds it exactly there a moment later. Of course, it does not take long to get it completely wrong again.

In the evening intensive and easy Tummo -practice. After that, king of samadhi with the focus on the centre of the chest. Very stable and open limitless field. Then10-points relaxation practice laying on my back. The body was like bright liquid light, tensions were found on a new level of sensitivity. Especially the left shoulder and the shoulder blade relaxed more deeply than possibly ever before. After that I saw big dark red areas in space.

Dark Retreat, Day 4

24.11.2020

I slept for 12 hours and it did not at all seem too much. [incomprehensible part, something about the dreams]

Right from the start of yoga practice [incomprehensible part] I have noticed more light than before. I noticed something similar already yesterday, but today it is more obvious. [incomprehensible part] like some light was seeping from outside [incomprehensible part] like a lit surface barely visible in the dark [incomprehensible part] sometimes the light seems to come from above, sometimes from a side [incomprehensible part] it has been just random noise in the field of view [incomprehensible part] clearer with some explicit hues. During ashtanga yoga there were a couple of times when [incomprehensible section].

The gazing practice has still not produced any [incomprehensible part] visual patterns. I have not engaged in them since the first day. Even the mechanical pressure on the eyes will not cause any changes in the visual field. Apparently it is now time for other practices. Especially trekcho has produced interesting findings, as well as compassion training and guru yoga. Trains of thought can still be found outside the sessions, mostly about the relationship problems.

[It is almost impossible to read the first section of today’s entry due to writing two times on the same page despite the decision to turn a blank page every time when starting to write an entry.]

The latest, and probably the last session of this evening, was a normal trekcho, however I ended it with king of samadhi, including a pinpointed focus in the centre of the chest. The concentration deepened quickly (probably) to levels never encountered before with these practices. I tried something similar also yesterday, apparently the mind was not yet stable enough to go deep. The openness and the brightness of the awareness were strong and I also did tuning to the buddha bodies and the five wisdom energies.

It is very difficult to describe what the experience is like, but the very least I can say that it was very stable and limitless, like different aspects of the experience, embodiment, brightness, bliss and thoughtlessness, were all seamlessly integrated in the undivided field of awareness.

Dark Retreat, Day 3

23.12.2020

I slept for about twelve hours in a few parts. After each part I went to the toilet and then checked if there would be still more sleep available. At some point the quota was full and it was time to get up.

Enjoyable ashtanga practice in slow pace, standing sequence and a half of the first series. The body was a bit more flexible since yesterday and it almost felt like a real ashtanga yoga. Then tranquil meditation practice, full body breathing and opening of the centre of the chest. Then guru yoga and sitting fully open to everything. Trekcho, attuning to the buddhabodies and wisdom energies as usual and then sitting with the view of non-doing. The energy and vitality on higher level than yesterday, still some thought streams on daily stuff, however not as much anymore.

During the breakfast the creatures ’upstairs’ were active above the kitchen, I imagined them to be squirrels.

The centre of the chest is open and the compassion practice can be felt strongly. Very pleasant, I can feel the obstacles of the body-mind dissolve. After the sitting the darkness feels soft like velvet, calming and caring. Limitless space and the darkness seem one and the same.

I have done Tummo breathing exercises every day, increasing rounds daily. Yesterday I did 32 rounds, today [incomprehensible part]. I always do them in sets of 4 [incomprehensible part]. There was a fair amount of warmth and the skin felt cool when I stopped, much like after sweating.

[Longer incomprehensible section, apparently despite precautions, I have managed to write two times on the same page] 

Dark Retreat, Day 2, After the Storm

22.11.2020

When I woke up, it was more peaceful outside and the cabin was warmer. It was definitely easier to wake up in the darkness than the previous times. I wonder how many times I woke up last night? It must have been at least a dozen times. I checked the time and it was almost four o’clock in the morning. I seemed rested so I got up to write down my notes and soon I will begin my morning practices.

Morning practice:

• Ashtanga yoga, (modified) standing sequence
• Full body breathing and opening the centre of the chest
• Tummo, about 20 rounds
• Trekcho
• Thodgal gazing

After the practice, I took a nap and woke up at about ten o’clock. There is a big button on the kitchen shelf and by pressing it an unpleasantly mechanical voice tells be the time. Pressing twice the button gives me the date, which proved to be useful many times during the retreat.

My hostess came to check that everything is well with me, we spoke through the door. She told me that the storm last night was exceptionally strong, wind speed up to 30 meters / second. Some big ships had been in trouble in the sea. No wonder the cabin creaked and moaned so much last night.

I have become more accustomed to the dark, moving around and doing practical things, even quite challenging ones like spreading butter on a bread! Most of the tasks are be completed without much thinking about it. I will just double check that the beak of an electric kettle is in the middle of a teacup and just pour what feels about right. At least so far I have avoided any trouble.

I also notice that I have grown accustomed to the darkness in another sense, as a teacher. The boundless darkness is not even close to what I expected. It’s energy is warm and caring, like being again in mother’s womb. There are still a lot of thoughts about ordinary things, but they do not stand in the way of practice. The tangible limitlessness of the dark and loss of all reference points makes it easier to maintain awareness practices and meditation continues by itself. In between the sessions, the awareness of boundlessness, clarity and warm energy is almost unbroken. It is sufficient just to surrender completely to the dark. I feel that it cares for me in a comprehensive way, what ever that means. I mainly sense the softening of mind and body to receive the messages of limitlessness. Everything is just right.

I feel tired. It’s not even half past six in the afternoon and I have felt sleepy for several hours. At some point during the afternoon, I napped for a moment. At the moment I am just waiting it to be late enough for going to bed, I would hate to wake up alert at about midnight.

The soundscape:

• Whooshing of the wind in the smoke flue
• Faint sound of rain
• Scratching of small creatures inside the roof structure
• Distant dog barking
• A car driving by
• Flock of goose flying over

For most of the time the soundscape is composed of the first two.

Dark Retreat, the First Evening and the Stormy Night

I have been wanting to do a retreat in complete darkness for a long time and last spring made a reservation for a week in a small dark retreat cabin close to Pärnu in Estonia. Luckily the corona virus situation did not prevent me from taking the ferry from Helsinki to Tallinn, where I was required to give to the local police my personal information, the purpose of my visit and the address of the place I would be staying. I had to sign a paper that included a fine of 9 600 euros if I was ever caught outside my place of stay.

After my hostess had introduced me to the cabin and it’s equipment and I had unpacked my few belongings, I thoroughly checked all the cabinets before turning off the electrical fuses controlling the lighting.

Translations from my dark retreat diary follows in italic font:

22.11.2020

Outside the wind had started to blow harder and the cabin creaked and moaned. My thoughts were racing, but the darkness itself felt warm and comforting. Despite the wandering mind, it felt easy to be aware of every passing thought, a strong presence.

The first night in darkness has passed. When I had turned off the lights in the evening, it was still cold, the cabin was still warming up warming up. I had on me just about all the clothes I brought and still it felt chilly and my fingers were getting numb. I tested darkness by waving my hand in front of my face, and absolutely nothing was seen. It did not take me long to end up under the blanket to warm myself up and even though it was not yet late, I started to feel tired.

I fell quickly asleep and saw several consecutive dreams that were peculiar and deeply meaningful. In all of them I was in the same cabin and it was dark, just like in real life, except there was some dim glow that enabled me to see something. 

In the first one I was in the bed and suddenly awoke to the sound of someone coming into the room through one of the doors in the cabin, which in real life leads to a small toilet. Two young girls waving spotlights entered. I jumped up from my bed in surprise and anger and tried to drive them away from ruining my retreat and the darkness. I could see behind the girls to the other side to a large room of a ruined house that served as some kind of children’s play room with some toys lying around. Apparently the kids were just checking some new rooms for hangin around and playing, but I was so angry that I even threatened the poor girls with violence, using on them the military bayonets in one of the closet in the room I am staying (a collection of historical bayonet’s was really found in one of the cabinets decorated with painted jungle animals). After I got the girls out, I tried to wedge the door closed with some pieces of wood I found on the floor.

In another dream I was sleeping in the same bed in the cabinet and suddenly awoke and became aware of a young boy of about ten years old laying next to me in the bed. The poor boy was completely naked and did not seem to be okay. With blond hair and skinny build he reminded me of my eldest son when he was young [in retrospect after the later developments during the retreat I suspect that more probably the boy was a younger version of myself, my own shadow, the child in me]. A strong sense of compassion took over me and I held the trembling boy in my lap, weeping and trying my best to comfort him.

At this point I woke up from my sleep and went to the toilet and checked the time using the blind’s watch and although it felt I had been sleeping for a long time, it was only a couple of hours since I went to bed. The storm was howling around cabin and I went back to sleep.

In the next dream I was again on my bed in almost total darkness in one of the traditional gazing postures looking straight ahead at a bizarre scene. A huge swarm of changing geometric forms emerged out from the dark, filling my entire field of vision and I watched the scene motionless and exhilarated. Something like this has never happened to me when awake, or I might have been awake and only thought I was dreaming, very difficult to tell. The dream was so lifelike.

The next two dreams were very similar and in my mind have merged into a one dream. I was again in the same room, but now something was different, it was not dark anymore. There was a feeling of otherworldliness and I went outside and entered a fantasy forest with strange pinkish evening light everywhere, miraculously beautiful. Everything was like in real life, but different in a Studio Ghibli sort of way. Flowers and bushes were blooming in pink colors, I was excited at the beauty and strangeness and realized this is a dream and the cabin wanted to teach me something. I laughed aloud at how everything was realistic and fairy-tale-like at the same time and laid down among the flowers. Everything was pink and quiet. There was a deep sense of healing to the place, for which I thanked the cabin and prayed to be healed.

In the morning I felt very inspired by the dreams and as the retreat continued, this feeling grew and I slowly started to understand better some of the information they held. During the whole retreat I saw many colorful dreams, but nothing like the first night in the cabin.

Inspiring Dreams

Several inspiring and / or lucid dreams lately, a couple of examples during the past week:

1. In the middle of a dream I realize that I must be dreaming. A fly test proves the hypothesis. This time I actually remember what I was meant to do when aware and I do full lotus and start to meditate by visualizing and placing the syllables Om / Ah / Hung one by one in specific places in the body. The scenery dissolves, void  with pulsating primary colors and various forms remain. For a moment the experience consists mainly of small colorful circles of tigles. Then I feel like falling on my face and through the floor as if pushed from behind. Feeling of falling and keeping the view despite the developments.
   
2. Inside an apartment I push my hands through solid walls much like when doing reality tests but this time I am not lucid. The dream characters are impressed and start to gather around me. I am using the power syllables Om / Ah / Hung aloud and the dream reality starts to rupture in places. Dream character’s faith grows and they decide to imitate me.
   After a while an entire outer wall is gone and an otherworldly reddish landscape unfolds. Alien plants and mountains like immovable gods. Behind them towering gods like immovable mountains. In the barren red landscape some creatures jog along, a small predator stops and turns it’s gaze towards me. Seeing an opportunity, it runs forward and jumps through the rupture into the living room. Some people panic, but now worries, the power of the syllables dissolve it though. I have absolute no doubt and the faith of the followers grows further.