It has been amazingly difficult for me to motivate myself to write anything about my practice. None of the usual psychological tricks have worked, so after several failed attempts, I simply put off the task to indefinite future. In addition to general lack of motivation to write, the practice feels so private and insignificant that I am very reluctant to put anything out in the open.
After the retreat everything was wonderfully easy. I could be very relaxed about my practice and the view and it’s interesting side effects would present themselves whenever I intended or even spontaneously. That inspiring world of wonders was transparent, marvelous and after a little while, gone. On the contrast, the last few months of 2018 were colored by uncharacteristic procrastination and lack of motivation to do any serious practice.
I might be seeing a pattern here: magnificent experiences during a retreat, easy high intensity practice with new perspectives several months after, inevitable falling out, slow integration of the new perspective with all messiness of everyday life, step by step evolving into a more mature and down to earth version of that new perspective.
After picking up the pace with more diligent practice, I might be soon able to make some guesses what that more mature version of the practice might look like. Today I would describe it as a meeting point between two imaginary realms of light.
On one hand there is this real world that seems to appear out there, but when looking more closely, turns into a play of light with seemingly no dimensions or depth in any ordinary sense. A play of light or mirage composed of images, body sensations, thoughts and sounds. Flickering lights in space.
On the other hand these is this fictional world of buddhas, boddhisattvas, dakinis and what not, imagined during guru yoga and represented by the imaginary body of the teacher. Fictional compared to what? What actually is the difference between an imaginary phantasy and a world apparently made of light only? Could imagination actually be a way of reprogramming the very same mental maps that were constructed to create the illusion of ’concrete’ ordinary world?