28.11.2020
Yesterday, when I opened the custom made window panels, the dim light seemed lively and vibrating, like something alive. When I went to the dark toilet, the inner lights were visible again. In the dimly light main room, the inner lights and the faint light coming from outside blended together in a vibrant way. Now, the morning after, my eyes are still reluctant to focus on anything. Last night I had to force my eyes to get a pinpointed focus. This morning, light still feels different, as if I could somehow see through this illusory solid reality if I really wanted. This skill is revealed by tiny clues, like the star-like glows around the light sources.
Yesterday I felt shaky and turning my head and all fast movements felt really weird. As if the body was unused to the solidity of the earth and everything. Mind is slow and uninterested in turning to mundane details, like numbers, days and what time is it. It is very awkward to use the mobile phone. My head somehow feels different.
Suddenly I am reminded of the dream I had last night, the last one in the cabin. I only remember bits and pieces of it. In the dream I found ways to help other people using the skills I had learned in my profession.
In any case, this retreat clarified many things for me. Some have to do with the current family situation, which can develop into something complicated. There is a feeling of trust and I think I will have the courage to do the necessary decisions called for. On the other hand I realized more clearly how limited the time is and all things one wants to accomplish have to be done without delay. I also realized the need to intensify my personal practice. During the retreat I expected to keep up more subtle level of awareness, there is a room for improvement. On the other hand, Tummo -practice is currently under-used resource for my own development. I think I am ready to increase the power of my practice without adversely affecting the daily life.
I definitely need to make arrangements for a second practice session in the evening!
Antero's practice journal 