The development of both Trekchod and Thodgal has been nice and stable due to the benefits of inner fire. This has resulted in high energies and a pendulum-like oscillation during the day. One mode may last for a minute, an hour, a day or an entire week or anything in between. The differences between the modes of operation are so huge, putting into question their credibility and also the natural tendency to react to them with aversion and greed.
1. Discomfort all over the body, the throat feels physically blocked, hard to swallow, intense hard vibrations in the upper part of the central channel, inability to form sentences and communicate clearly, mood swings, have to force myself to speak, dysfunctional thinking patterns, problems with coordination.
Despite the difficulties (or because of them), the awakened awareness has a tendency to arise spontaneously during the day and the process of purification is clearly felt.
2. Feeling of neutrality
3. Feelings of brightness, transparency, clarity and emptiness, body grounded and in a state of alert immovability, feeling the flow, being ”in the zone”, deep contentment and confidence, body immaterial, feelings of sacredness and purpose in everything, stable concentration and view, inherent knowing how arising situations should be handled, able to communicate clearly and accurately
The awakened awareness has a tendency to a arise through the gate of brightness and stay in a subtle and refined state.
During the past months, I have been through the most inspiring and the most frustrating phases of my practice so far. Both of the extremities have been bleeding into my daily life.
Despite the intensity and various difficulties of the work environment, all the work related issues have been forgotten the moment I have closed the door of the office behind me. Even the periods of dark night, when I was still cycling through the stages of insight, were mostly quite manageable.
This spring it was different and the stress at work had slowly worked it’s way into the system, making me lose the lightness of being and become tense and contracted in various subtle ways. There was a lack of satisfaction in life and meditative experiences became unstable off the cushion. A lot of unpleasantness was happening in the throat and head areas and I oftern found myself in a state of anti-flow, out of synch, self-conscious and tired. At times even the motor functions seemed to be affected and I became clumsy. I had great difficulties in communicating clearly, struggling to find right words and expressions, not able to recall names for things. I listened to myself speak and felt inauthentic, like an impostor, disgusted of what I was hearing. I lacked confidence and felt emotionally raw. The emotional turbulence and reactivity, although probably not even apparent to the people around me, made me want to find again that calm centre that is unaffected by wordly problems. I even started using meditation as a way of escaping difficult situations, something I have not been aware of doing for many years.
Releasing all effort, completely dropping the gazing practices, emphasizing compassionand simplifying and shortening the formal practice seemed to bring some relief.
On the other hand, I have been experiencing a shift off the cusion, a perspective more subtle, previously only available during formal meditation sessions or glimpsed briefly during the day. Suddenly all difficult things were easy. There was a view of softness and sacredness in which the ’external’ world and body sensations were united in a vivid play of light, like a colorful unreal cathedral of immense proportions, no longer out there (at least cutting through the gross layers of out-thereness), a fully embodied simulation. Arising thoughts were clear translucent flashes overlaid on the sensory experience and the difference between a visualization and the ”real” world hardly noticeable. Everyday objects and routines became not only a source of delight but also a gate to this refined way of being, flow of translucent ordinariness.
The fluctuations seem to be settling for the time being. Now it is so self evident, the built-in transparency of the cascade of sensations, flood of luminosity that spontaneously clears boundaries and conceptual obstacles of the ordinary mind. So hard to believe that it has been hidden in plain sight all the time.
Lung, the oral reading of the text in Tibetan that gives the yogi an authorization to do the practice and breaths life into the text, had a powerful effect on me also in this retreat that was entertaining to observe. Even if I did not deliberately use intention to open an unobstructed view of rigpa, the moment the reading started, the body foamed with condensed energy, experience of translucency was heightened, subtle attachment to surrounding environment thoroughly cut through, making the entire experience homogenous and sparkling at the same time. In short, the view of leaving-alonness opened up in a forceful way. This deep automatic meditation lasted throughout the reading.
Interestingly different teachings had very distinctive flavours to the meditation. It is impossible to rule out some level of unconscious scripting, nonetheless some of the effects were very much in line with the actual contents of the texts when they were later translated into english and unpacked. Although I had not read the root text beforehand in english, I did have some general knowledge on the structure of the teachings.
During the reading of the Lamp of the Fleshy Heart-mind (second lamp), the body convulsed from the force of the energy, the eyes closed unintentionally and behind the closed eyelids there was an otherwordly warm glow, like a rise of the morning sun.
Lamps of the soft white channels (third lamp) started with a similar effect, notable increase in the brightness of the visual field, except this time the eyes stayed open. I don’t remember ever having experienced that level of energy, brightness and transparency. There was very little friction in the flow and bodily reactions were much lesser than what I am used to in my normal morning practice despite the intensity. The eyes lost their focus, the field of vision narrowed into a tube and the gaze slid around of it’s own accord bringing different aspects into the view. Shapes and colors organized themselves into various patterns, but nothing recognizable came up.
The most curious was the reading of the Lamp of the After-death States (sixth lamp). The energy was very intense right from the beginning and the strenght of rigpa and the brightening of the visual field even stronger than with the third lamp, like a wallpaper made of rainbows stretched just underneath a thin veil of visual field. Otherwordly glow filled the room and black cotton shirt of the gentleman sitting in front of me shimmered like silk brocade. The shirt underwent a series of metamorphoses, grinning three dimensional creatures from a surrealist painting, strange, distinctive and frightening. Intense feelings dashed like runaway streams, but the foamy crests never solidified into actual feelings of fear, although the energy definitely carried the telltale signature.
Clearly there has lately been a feeling of hesitation to write new entries in this journal. Partly because it is getting harder to find adequate expressions to accurately transmit the subtle changes that have occured in my practice and partly because conceptualizing and writing about it does not seem that important at the moment.
The major theme of the recent development during the past months has been a kind of unification of the three aspects of rigpa. Previously they used on the forefront of experience one by one but now in an increasingly integrated way. Limitlessness or lack of reference points used to be the dominating feature, until the emphasis started to shift to the appearance aspect, that is the movement of limitless space or vividness of the lively expressions of the vastness itself. In my experience the third aspect, compassionate energy of the ground, only starts to shine through once the previous two, vastness and it’s manifestations are sufficiently familiar and unified. This merging of the three aspects is the same as the view of Leaving alonness (see self liberation as such rang drol and view of Leaving alonness) and as a result of it, the three special states starts to arise: from vastness comes silence of the conceptual mind, from liveliness comes the brightness or lucidity of the sense perceptions and from energy comes bliss that has started develop into connectivity and compassion.
Interestingly the three special states seem to be linked to rigpa other way around as well. Noticing stillness always present between thoughts, noticing the brightness of the senses and the subtle underlay of bliss that permeates the experience, all three together will unveil the nature of the mind itself where everything self-liberates instantly before fully coming into being, like writing on water. The engagement of the mind with sense objects is cut and all distinctions are gone.
After the Bön Dzogchen A-tri retreat one year ago, I have used 12th century root text The Special Instructions for Settling into Stages of Practice Sessions of the A Khrid as a frame fo reference for integrating rigpa with all everyday activities and especially the teachings on destroying the ordinary mind. It is a systematic way of tearing down the net of ordinary mind, development from sparks of awakening (using the strict Dzogchen definition, rigpa) to having it all the time.
In the beginning the conceptual activity of the mind is used to constantly set up the view and purposeful mindfullness to sustain it. With practice, on one hand conceptual activity needed for setting up gets increasingly more subtle and on the other hand, the rope of mindfulness is extended for longer periods of time.
As the integration develops, purposeful mindfulness can be dropped and awakened perspective is maintained just with intention. The downside of this is that as living in general starts to become easier, it is easy to become complacent and lazy with the practice.
Rigpa starts to take over it’s own operations, both setting up and mainting it with intention are no longer necessary. The rope of mindfulness is completely cut, there is just nurturing the right conditions for automatic flow of rigpa.
Fully automatic flow of rigpa, no need to do even nurturing.
On the cushion fully automatic flow happens easily, like the meditation is on autopilot and deepening all the time, but honestly maintaining the same level insight into emptiness in the middle of everyday life situations happens rarely. The main shift in the off the cushion practice during the past year has been a slow and steady baseline shift from the mindfulness type 1. to type 2. with some experiences of type 3. This has not been a straightforward path but a continuous struggle going off the target on both sides and adjusting the aim. Too much purposeful mindfulness will blow off rigpa transforming it into conceptual activity and too little will quickly lead to forgetfulness.
The essential ingredient for dissolving the distinctions between meditation sessions and the daily life in between, has been learning to recognize the liveliness aspect of all sense gates (although that is happening less with thoughts) that has been greatly enhanced by including tummo in the morning sitting practice and slowly increasing the number of rounds. This has markedly brought the lucidity aspect to the forefront, enabling easy recognition of the clear light flow of ordinariness.
All this has left the ordinary mind weakened and with the lessening of conceptual activity, the everyday experience is becoming brighter and more energetic and at times that is too much to handle. This has shown to me how it is exactly this vividness and naked rawness of the original experience before the conceptual overlay that feels so scary and uncontrollable, so there is a reaction to shrink from it using the walls of concepts and violent tendency of the ordinary mind to reduce vastness and brightness of the xperience into manageable tiny chunks. This is the process that has led to the rise of the ordinary mind in the first place.
On the other hand, once the view of Liveliness and Leaving alonness truly open up, that scary energy and intensity does cause aversion and fear but there is no need to contract and shut down. Something interesting happens, the energy now becomes fuel for the awakened perspective, heightened clarity and emotional responses and right conduct cleaned of all agenda. This seems to be the cutting edge of my practice under right circumstances.
A few weeks ago various phenomena connected with light and seeing started to arise in my sits and now I have started to see some consistency and logic to it. Distinct stages have started to emerge from what at first seemed random and incoherent.
Generally things have speeded up on the cushion. Fullness of rigpa is usually already reached during guru yoga and a period of emotional turbulence resulting from opening up of the groundless ground may follow immediately. I can feel the energy of my guru Dorje Chang (Vajradhara) inside my body guiding the process in a way that I can trust. The feeling of connection and gratitude is getting stronger all the time. Sometimes this phase of opening up to kun gzhi passes through quickly, at other times it involves a lot of convulsing with a strange mixture of emotions like intese crying and smiling.
Personal perspective is literally dissolved in the wholeness and the best course of action is leaving everything be. The view is stable, so it can be left alone. The meditation is going on automatically, leaving it be as well. The appearances can be quite lively and vivid at this point, so it is worth making sure no sense door or special state is out there but instead part of awareness manifesting itself. Nothing is sticking out of space, leaving appearances be as well. Feeling the fruition of the practice and leaving that too alone. From here on the practice pretty much does itself.
The view of leaving alonness levels all differences between various senses, body sensations are light, arising thoughts are only marginally different from seeing. Field of vision gets almost flat, objects lose their objectness and become a luminous display of shapes and colors. Everything is vibrating, shifting and intense. The whole field becomes flowing liquid of color and form, translucent sea of movement containing the same sensory input, but now transformed into a different form, like solid ice melting into liquid.
From this multicolored porridge first appears a glowing cloud, suspended in the air at the centre of the vision, it’s outline shifting slightly. The blob of brightness seems to be alive, becoming smaller until resetting back to it’s original size. When I first saw it, it was of bluish color, changing a few days later into violet and nowadays it is always white.
The glowing cloud appears to be a kind preparation for melting away more fundamental parts of the conceptual mind. It feels like some kind of filter is dropped away and the experience becomes more raw and naked. There is an experience that the entire construct called mind is discarded as unnecessary. This intensifies the experience of seeing everything as flowing cosmic soup of brightness and vividness. Floating patches of color and brilliance now mix together freely, filling the entire field of vision.
One night I layed awake in bed and looked at the dark ceiling. After a while the usual glowing clouds started to form. Then a feeling of melting away, dropping into a state of absorption almost like becoming weightless and falling through the mattress. Pretty soon small particles started to form at the outskirts of my vision. At first I payed no attention to them, but then they started to increase in numbers. They were bright white points in otherwise dark room and very small in size. They were not at all random, instead they started flying upward in a helical way, increasing in numbers, all of them having more or less the same direction and speed. When they were closer to the ceiling, they came together, making somewhat random curves at the top of their trajectory, like caught in waves of turbulence. They did not flicker at all and it was more like the whole experience of seeing had been transformed into this swirling thing, still happening to me in the same room that was visible behind the smoke. As the experience intensified, there was a sense of awe and fearful anticipation. Anything can happen. Later several overlapping concentric rigns of light and a small dust cloud swirling in the centre.
During this guided meditation the mind was clear as a diamond and responded to all verbal instructions in a split second. The awareness was directed to the source of all instead of appearances out there. The ground aspect of rigpa was unshakeable and vast beyond vastness. This view was the starting point.
Once the ground aspect had matured, the mind started to naturally gravitate toward the appearance side of awareness. What used to happen to me earlier before the retreat was that the recognition of the lively manifestations of awareness was not strong and the mind would soon lose the sight of empty essence once thoughts and appearances start to take the centre stage. Now the three special states of luminosity, non-coceptual stillness and bliss started to arise strongly. Everything was transparently lucid resulting in an experience of shifting and vibrating mind stuff in space. The special states themselves were used as an enhacement, making rigpa even stronger and more integrated. As a result of seeing the special states as liveliness of awareness, they intensified even further. I could only gasp in awe at this spectacle, my eyes opened so wide, they were almost bulging out of their sockets. The view was liveliness of awareness.[1]
Another shift of view took place, now the lively appearances and the ground from which they arose fused together or more accurately put, the difference between them was seen to be nonexistent. All senses started to integrate, no diffrentation between body sensations and seeing. Arising thoughts and mental images hovered in space, translucently merging with translucent seeing. Ordinary mind was completely gone and awareness was nakedly looking itself through the mirror of awareness. The exprerience of the senses as a whole happened simultaneously in a way I had never known before. The distance between arising fabric of appearances and the knowing of it was zero. The visual field danced with energy, light and movement. This was the view of liveliness-of-whatever.
If I thought I already knew from practicing the view of liveliness of awareness what self-liberation means, then this was something beyond. According to the dzogchen philosophy, if the view is set correctly, the mental engagement with the experience is cut at the early stages of information processing. That is how it felt, the dropping of the mental engagement with the ’objects’ left them stainless and thoroughly impermanent to the point of non-existence, like drawing on water. Arising thoughts not obstructing it in any way whatsoever. As a result of this feature of self-liberation, there was nothing to do, except to leave everything be as they are. As a result of that view, something new started to happen to this body mind continuum.
Bodily sensation aspect started to intensify considerably. Soon the sensations became rivers of pure emotional energy with surprising rapids and waterfalls that made by body rock and shake. Different emotions flowed through so fast I did not have time to identify them. Some were accompanied by millisecond long flashes of disconnected images I mostly did not recognize. Men fighting with spears, a cave, a small child or a baby, birds flying, someone dying, maybe it was me, and so forth it went. I was sobbing, crying, smiling broadly, in pain, in agony, feeling compassionate, happy, possibly at times the full spectrum of emotions in one minute. My body arcing violently as the spasms of crying or emotional pain swept over me, breathing in short gasps and panting like machine gun fire. I let it all be with no interference. It was cleaning, painful and amazing at the same time. When the sit ended I was wiped clean, hard drive erased, empty and completely relaxed. My face was thoroughly wet from tears (and snot) that had also flowed down to my shirt. It did not matter.
According to my teacher, this way of practicing the view of Leaving alonness opens up of groundless ground (kun gzhi) or storehouse consciousness where all the karmic seeds of this life and all the previous ones are stored and if conditions are right, large chunks of them can be released. Until the whole thing is empty, at the end of this path.
I don’t know about the philosophical part, however the effect of the practice was profound. Like someone had rearranged my entire energy system and the mental continuum. Since then the awakened perspective has been always right here with all these views and aspects, easily accessible and to be integrated with my everyday life.
I feel that the words I just wrote do no justice to the experience of intensity, power and full splendor of awareness the way it was shown to me, but perhaps those who have walked the path before can recognize some aspects by reading this description.
[1] ”Now, there what is known as ‘effulgent rigpa’ or ‘rigpa as energy[2]’ comes into the picture. Effulgent rigpa is rigpa that arises from the ground, and as appearances of the ground.”
Dalai Lama, Dzogchen, The Heart Essence of the Great Perfection, p. 176
The cumulative effect of Mahamudra concentration meditation made the mind very transparent, focused and vast. This together with the instructions made me very aware of something that was contantly interrupting the steady flow of awakened perspective for very short moments. In rigpa the awareness is having the totality of awareness as a focus with zero localisation in space, but that was constantly being intruded by mind tendency to suddenly surge toward something seen, heard or thought of. This break up clearly introduced momentary duality, which kept the state from deepening further. Another development was finding a new gate to awakened perspective. So far I had always been getting it through the gate of non-localisation. Now the lucidity or clarity of awareness made itself known, which helped a lot with the aspect of rigpa I had been working on, appearances, the liveliness of awareness. With the new finding, the luminous, vivid and lively aspect started to come forward at all times and I found rigpa becoming stable during my off the cushion practice. Although the particularisation was still running loose, I could now use the view of lively appearances to hold rigpa for longer intervals without falling off. Everything started to become bright and translucent. I went for a walk early in the morning and my whole experience started to lose solidity. Shining spectacle of buoyant awareness, crystal clear building blocks of lucidity. I was mesmerized by this ”clear light river flow” [1] and it felt odd that I wasn’t able to pass through the walls. Or at least see through them. This was perhaps the most vivid experience on the special state of luminosity I have had. I usually experience a lot of the other two, non-conceptual stillness and bliss, but now I had all of them together. Because of the interest of the mind in these states, they were particularised as something distinct from awareness and therefore became a hindrance for a while. [1] from The Profound Definitive Meaning, a song by Jetsun Milarepa
Antero's practice journal 